


Trembles

by fluffywhiterabbits



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/F, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:14:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27384028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffywhiterabbits/pseuds/fluffywhiterabbits
Summary: Ava Parrish parked her tricolored car outside of St Agnes after a long day of studying, school and work. Gansey had called her three times at the garage to talk about Cabeswater and ley lines and demons. Ava suspected Gansey had wanted to talk about Lynch but Ava didn’t feel like discussing that topic with the other girl since Ava didn’t know how to say what she needed to say. Their relationship had changed into… something different than before and Ava didn’t know how to explain that.Rowan Lynch was there leaning against her BMW.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 1
Kudos: 35





	Trembles

**Author's Note:**

> She has a dream phone Rowan dreamt for her. And Blue is poc.

Trembles

Ava Parrish parked her tricolored car outside of St Agnes after a long day of studying, school and work. Gansey had called her three times at the garage to talk about Cabeswater and ley lines and demons. Ava suspected Gansey had wanted to talk about Lynch but Ava didn’t feel like discussing that topic with the other girl since Ava didn’t know how to say what she needed to say. Their relationship had changed into… something different than before and Ava didn’t know how to explain that. 

The sun was starting to set and it painted the world golden, making even the dingy church gravel parking lot look beautiful.

Rowan Lynch was there leaning against her BMW. 

The sunlight made her glow. 

In her nothing but black look: black skinny-jeans, black leather jacket, black tank-top and black boots Rowan looked as sharp as her eyeliner. But after months of careful observation Ava saw what she wouldn’t have seen a couple of months ago. Softness. She saw it in the way she had tied her hair up. How her arms were folded, loose with her shoulder dropped, how her dark eyebrows were wrinkled, from the sun not the anger. She was relaxed and not wary of danger. The setting sun made her skin golden. 

She was a devil. 

She was a goddess.

Rowan Lynch was a liar who never lied. Somehow, she could be blackness and boldness, sinister tattoos, split lips and bruised knuckles, full blown hostility at the same time as light and fireflies, secret soft smiles and hidden glances, thoughtful gifts and careful fingertips over feathers.

She was a paradox.

Ava Parrish had always been, secretly, amazed by Rowan. Her recklessness. Her dress shirt was never tucked into her skirt, her tie never properly tied, the buttons never all buttoned. She was always brutally beautiful. Full of sharp curses and pointed icy glares. That was the Rowan Lynch that she had perfected for the rest of the world as a shield, as much a warning as it was protection. The snake poised for attack.

Rowan's blue eyes followed her as she got out of her car, she could feel it on her skin like a physical touch. 

“Wanna go for a ride, Parrish?” she said as Ava walked up to her. Rowan's voice was raspy and soft at the same time. 

“To where?” Ava gently petted the raven on Rowan's shoulder with one finger. Chainsaw cawed softly and pressed back. 

Rowan’s eyes had that intense glow. Rowan's eyes seemed to be devouring her, always burning, wanting, almost asking… waiting. She looked like she was starving. Ava was no longer sure of what the answer would be when, if, Rowan ever asked.

“Somewhere.” A year ago, the thought of being alone with only Rowan for any amount of time no matter how small would have been impossible. But now… somehow there was nowhere else in the world Ava would rather be than in the passenger seat of a charcoal grey BMW going nowhere. 

“Okay, you can help me with a ley-line thing first.” Ava opens the door and slides into the passenger side. 

Rowan drives them out of Henrietta into small winding roads. They stop at a dirt road and Rowan watches as she places three tarot cards onto the hood of the BMW. Then they work in silence till the energy aligns with a satisfying snap inside of Ava. 

By then there is a smudge of dirt on Rowan's cheek.

After, when she has settled back into the car, the vibrations of the engine remind Ava of how tired she is. She rests against the headrest. The windows are rolled down and the air caresses Ava’s neck. The fields stretch out around them and beyond that the woods are a dark shadow. They still don’t say anything as the road rushes by. Ava watches Rowan’s hand on the wheel, her long dark eyelashes, a lock of hair that had escaped from her bun during the manual labour. For a moment, there is nothing else. There is no list of things she doesn’t have; free time, spare money, warm water. There’s just the quiet and Rowan Lynch.

Sometimes when Ava’s falling asleep she thinks about how Rowan's fingertips would feel over her skin. How her hair feels like. How they would feel. 

When her hand reaches out to tug at Rowan's hair-tie, making her hair spill down her shoulders, Ava can’t remember telling it to.

Rowan's hair is much longer now than when Ava first met her, going down past her ribs, but just as unruly, all tangled loose curls. Ava takes a lock of her hair between her thumb and forefinger. Stroking over the dark strands. It’s softer than Ava thought it would be. 

Ava’s fingertips ghost over her cheekbone. A strangled sound escapes Rowan's slightly open lips. Her light eyes darting from the road to Ava’s face and back, something in them wild. Her tongue flick out to wet her lips.

Rowan gulps as Ava withdraws her fingers, her thumb wipes at the dirt, before she tucks them between her thighs. Rowan looks wrecked as she breaths “Ava.” in a rough voice that does  _ things _ inside Ava. She looks likes she wants to say something more but she just does her smokers-breath and drives. 

They are good at that, not saying anything. They are just as good at not talking as they are at fighting. So, it doesn’t surprise Ava that they don’t talk about what she had done in the car in the weeks after. But she can feel Rowan looking at her with more weight. 

Ava tries not to think about the pain in her eyes. 

When Rowan sleeps on the floor next to Ava’s bed sometimes they wake up tangled together. 

They don’t talk about that as well. 

On those mornings Ava has a hard time pretending she doesn’t feel something. That something more that terrifies her. With her nose pressed to the skin under Rowan's jaw, she always smells like leather, sweat and mist and moss, and with the full length of her body pressed against her it’s hard to ignore the burning. It’s easier to pretend to sleep when Rowan rolls away. Pretend not to notice how gentle this sharp girl untangles herself. That she presses a cheek to Ava’s forehead, almost like a kiss, and breathes deeply. The nights Rowan doesn’t knock on her door Ava pretends she doesn’t wait for her.

But she does.

()

When she slept at Parrish’s she rarely dreamt more than snippets of memories looking through a funhouse mirror. She dreamt of Gansey in one of Blues feathered t-shirts and his embroidered boots (the only thing of Blues Rowan could see herself ever wearing). She dreamt of Ava’s St Agnes apartment opening into the school hallways. Holy next to hellish. She dreamt of racing cars, heart present in her body. Everything washed in soft white light and the sound of Ava’s breath.

When she slept in her own bed (that didn’t smell like gasoline, forest and girl) her dreams were focused and too real. In her own bed, she dreamt of Ava. She dreamt of fingers on her tongue. Lips brushing over her collarbone. She dreamt of tanned skin over hard bone. Collarbones. Ribs. Hipbones. Everything sprinkled in freckles. Ava’s limbs wrapped around her. She dreamt of the ocean crashing around her. Of fingers dipping into wet heat and the salty taste of girl on her tongue. She dreamt of Ava moaning and she burning.

Now that she knew what Ava felt like pressed against her that was all she could ever think of. She could always feel the ghost of her body. For once the way she felt about Ava hurt. Clawed at her. Hungry for what Ava didn’t want to give. Ava knew and if she wanted more she could just take it. It had been fine when there had been no hope. When Ava was a pipedream Rowan told herself at night it had been okay. Back when the only person Ava had ever shown interest in had been Blue it had been unpleasant but nothing more. When Ava dated him, this odd boy who was nothing like Rowan on the outside and so much like Rowan the inside, the sting made her angry like everything else had then.

The thought of losing  _ this _ , whatever it was, it made her more afraid then the black in her dreams. That car ride and the memory of fingers, Ava’s lovely fingers, in her hair and on her skin was seared inside of her. Why had she touched her like that?

Sometimes she wondered if it would hurt less or more if she didn’t have that small hope inside her. That if she touched her, as she had been wanting to since she first saw her, would Ava touch her back as she had been looking back at Rowan for months now.

()

It is night again when a knock wakes Ava up from half slumber.

“I gave you a key, Lynch, use it!”

Ava falls asleep to the familiar warmth of another body settling next to her and when she wakes up she is once again in Rowan's arms.

Rowan’s still asleep, she can tell by her breathing and the slow thump of her heart, and sometime during the night she had rolled onto the mattress. They are both on their sides, legs tangled, Ava is tucked under Rowan's chin and pillowed on her arm. Everything is warm and soft and… safe, Ava realises, she feels safe like this in Rowan's arms. That is when she knows during the earliest part of morning. Ava smiles and shifts deeper into Rowan's warmth.

When Rowan's breathing changes, Ava has been drifting in and out of sleep for a long time. Rowan goes rigid and for a second Ava thinks she might have brought something back. But then she moves to slowly start to detangle herself from Ava’s limbs. She’s doing her smokers-breath. The inhale is trembling. Rowan is hurting and it’s all because of her.

Images flashed before her closed eyes. The not real Rowan at the checkout. The hateful one Ava had first met, jealous and watching her with Gansey. Rowan in Latin class with her feet up on the table, smiling that wicked humourless smile. The Rowan from when Ava had dated Blue, her eyes dark with anger. Rowan with her raven and her golden family. Rowan grumbling curses under her breath, her own darkly beautiful poetry. Rowan held her hands close to her face, hands she had kept whole and soft with her dream-lotion. Then looking at her eyes, her fingers on Ava’s chin. Ava had seen the way Rowan had glanced down to her lips for a split second even if she’d pretended she hadn’t. Rowan laughing, Rowans smiling.

Rowan Lynch. Over and over, always more in focus then the rest of the world.

When Rowan starts to slip away Ava hands closes around Rowan's elbow. She opens her eyes and looks straight at Rowan. Rowan's hair is tangled and dark against the shabby greyish-white of the pillowcase. Her eyes somehow dark too. Some of yesterday’s eyeliner is smudged and she has pillow creases on her cheek. She looks younger like this. Young and soft.

She was always beautiful.

“Rowan.”

And then Rowan kisses her. A kiss that is something like thunder rolling in, like waves crashing. It soared through the air after jumping off the swing when it was at the highest point of the arch. It’s light and heartbeats and time standing still. Rowan's lips taste like a question she had spent months trying to ask. And for right now the answer Ava’s body supplies is yes.

They don’t talk about what they are and nothing really changes about their life they just become more. They still spend most of their free time with Gansey and Blue but unlike before the time is full of brief touches, fingers on knees under the table at Nino’s, and heated glances. Rowan still spends a lot of time in the tiny room above St Agnes killing time while Ava studies. But now study time is sprinkled with closed mouthed kisses and Rowan playing with the fingers of her left hand while she rests her head in Ava’s lap. Ava finds she can’t sleep as good alone as she does with Rowan tucked against her back.

One afternoon Rowan shows up with two new pillows and a real duvet. She looks at Ava with defiant eyes. “Your pillow sucks, Parrish.”

“Fuck off, Lynch.” Is all she says but she lets her dump them on the bed. And when Rowan presses her down on top of them to place searing kisses across her collarbone she lets herself float off in the feeling. Everything is so soft.

They don’t date and they don’t ever do anything more than touch fingertips in front of anyone. But sometimes when Rowan smiles at something Blue says Ava wants to kiss or press her finger against the dimple in her left cheek so much she trembles. But she doesn’t know if that is allowed. This is not like dating Blue, where she had never been unsteady, this is not like that. Sometimes Rowan makes her stiller than she’s ever been and sometimes she makes her a fury of feeling.

Ava hadn’t thought Gansey and Blue noticed that they were too busy hiding and trying to spare Ava’s feelings that they hadn’t realized when she stopped caring (the second Rowan kissed her). But Blue must have seen something because one night when Ava is driving Blue home in her shitty car he asks her.

“What’s happened between you and Rowan?”

Ava smiles a small smile.

“Rowan kissed me.” They are at a red stoplight and Blue startles his long legs knocking against the interior as he twists to look at her. His mouth opens and closes a few times but no sound comes out. “I also kissed her.”

She turns onto Blues street and comes to a stop in front of the physics house. She turns the car off and turns to Blue. “Does that surprise you?”

Blue looks at her with his dark eyes. “A little.” He drags a hand down his cheek and exhales. “Actually, not really. Was it just once or what?”

“No.”

“So, you’re together?” He says it very carefully, sounding out every word. It makes his accent stronger. Ava looks away.

“Yes. No.” and after a pause. “I don’t know. We haven’t talked about it.” Ava can feel him looking at her. If this was Gansey she would have said something that showed how much she worried about Rowan. But since this was Blue he says something sensible instead.

“You guys should, if you know what you want.” They sat in silence for some time. Because that was the thing. Ava didn’t know how to know what she wanted with Rowan.

“You know, I’m a little mad at you and Gansey, Blue.” she said in a whisper. “What have I done to make you think I wouldn’t be happy for you? You’re my friends.” Blue looked away from her guiltily.

“Maybe we needed it to not feel real, to not be possible, for a different reason then the curse.” Blue picked at the frayed hem of his shirt. “And maybe you were convenient because we don’t want to hurt you, Ava.”

“So, you think it’s her the curse is about?”

“I know I’m falling in love with her.”

“How?” her voice sounded funny. “How do you know it’s…  _ love _ ?” Love was, had always been, a foul word in Ava Parish life.

Blue fiddled with his shirt hem and tried to tame a flyaway lock of hair before he answered. “I don’t know Ava. She makes me feel… everything.”

When Ava unlocked her door that evening, Rowan was already there asleep, a lump of dark clothing in whiteish linen. With her mind full of what Blue said she sinks down behind her. Rowan stirs and twists around to wrap her arms around her. in her half awake state she is so warm and soft. Rowan presses her forehead to Ava’s like a cat would. Something stills in Ava. Safe. “Rowan.” she felt like she should have a million things on her mind at the moment but everything was quiet. “I’m in love with you.”

Ava can feel Rowan’s smile in her bones. “I’m in love with you too, asshole.” Rowan slides her hand under Ava’s shirt. “Now let me sleep.”

And they sleep.

  
  



End file.
